As I laid in bed I thought of my day. I was excited today was going to be a beautiful sunny day. My phone read 8:20am. I looked at the weather forecast which read “high of 65 degrees”. Not to hot not to cool, just the perfect temperature. The sun does something to my spirit, it ignites my soul. I figured I’d hit up a local park, lay out and study. I told myself “today will be a productive day”. Yet, I found myself struggling to get out of bed. One hour turned into three and than four. In and out of sleep I found myself drifting. “Did I take my medicine” I woke up from a slumber or was that just a dream. I looked at my phone, 12:10pm it read. Instant panic overcame me as I thought of being behind in my studies. I immediately got up out of bed.
I began my morning self-care routine, made breakfast, ate, washed the dishes and thought to myself “job well done”. Surely, I deserve a nap. “I’m just going to lay down for a bit” I lied to myself. Back into a slumber I fell. I’m not proud of it, but I spent my day off in and out of bed. I studied max about four hours, if that.
With three months left of PA school I find myself struggling to stay motivated. As I experience more days like this, I’m not sure if I’m depressed or just burnt out. I did feel quite sad today. I think it’s a combination of, once again, being in a foreign town with a population of less than 3,000 and the persistent lack of autonomy over my life. At times I feel like I’m suffocating in PA school. As I write this, just thinking about it I feel like I can’t breathe. I so desperately miss having freedom to do as I chose.
You hear of the rigorous course load and sleepless nights, but no one talks about the loss of freedom. How your months are planned out—class, clinicals, exams, research day, skills, guest lecture, etc., etc., etc. For some this is just the natural course of graduate school. For others, such as myself, this structure brings a sense of entrapment. I so desperately miss living a life of going and coming as I chose. Booking a flight and taking a trip when I wanted. Taking days off from work as needed. There is not PTO time in PA school, we don’t get days off while on clinical rotations. As I write this I wonder, “is this what life is like as a mother”. Never being able to do what you chose. Is this a selfish thought of me to have? Questions that I don’t have the answers to. I just know I hate feeling confined in any aspect of my life, it brings me much anxiety. A sense of impending doom they call it.
It doesn’t help being in these small towns that very much so trigger a feeling of loneliness. Not seeing people that look like me feels isolating, being away from my support system. Yet, I can’t do anything about it. One of my favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou
“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”
I love this quote because it encompasses my life. I’m a believer in changing my environment if I’m unhappy. This is the reason I never stayed at jobs that made me miserable, spent years and years in unhappy relationships, living situations, etc. My mom once told me “I admire that about you Julia, you’re never afraid to leave.” She’s right. Don\’t get me wrong, I have had a job I had to stay at longer than I would have liked or been in that toxic relationship I should have left months ago, but my no means are these the rule. They very much so are the exception. It\’s a blessing and a curse. This is precisely why I decided on the PA profession because it provides you with the freedom to work in any specialty, in any state and even in other countries. Ironically, to bask in this freedom you must give up your freedom for a couple of years while in PA school.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. I just needed to get my thoughts out. Since I can’t change my environment I guess I need to work on changing my attitude.
Today was not a productive day, but tomorrow will be better.
A photo from NYE two years ago to remind myself this journey is only temporary.